Assorted Afflatuses

Discovery Channel mini-documentaries can either enthrall me or put me to sleep. In a very Les Misérables-Inspector Javert way, there is no middle ground. But, fortunately for me, I have developed the System, which has proved itself to be remarkably accurate. For instance, the System correctly predicted that Tom Brokaw's "Supervolcano," which aired sometime in the last two years, would put me to sleep. (I watched five minutes of a rerun and definitely felt the beginnings of a nap). The System also managed to guess — correctly — that the Discovery Channel's "Discovery Atlas" series would enthrall me. (It is, by the way, one of the most amazing television programs I have seen in years).

But to my immense displeasure, the System fell apart on Sunday when I sat down to watch the Discovery Channel's newest series of mini-documentaires, "Planet Earth." I had high hopes for the program. It was co-produced with the BBC, a television paragon, and it had real potential to educate. The beautiful time-lapse photography and the lions, tigers, and bears (Oh my!), however, did nothing to mask the program's soporific powers. It dealt in trivialities, revealing such remarkable facts as, "Sharks swim in the ocean," or, "Tigers walk on land." Not exactly my idea of intellectually stimulating.

I realized, however, that had I watched the show in 1080i HD, I would not have fallen asleep, because the program's pristine photography and sound would have overshadowed the total lack of interesting facts. So, I revised the System and — mostly for fun — devised this lovely chart to help susceptible people everywhere make sound Discovery Channel mini-documentary choices.

(The blue area, of course, represents the area where TV shows can safely be watched and the green area represents those shows only tolerable when viewed in high definition. I must admit that I am particularly proud of the horizontal scale's right-hand label, "Educational for the Braindead.")